When I started this blog I intended it to be a public out-pouring of my thoughts, feelings, etc. An online diary of sorts. Of course an unused tool is a useless one and an unread book is tp. So it turned into something else – sometimes insightful but more often a whole lotta nuthin’. As old Bernie says… the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I just can’t go posting pages of someone’s name with little hearts and sparkles on it or my name as Mrs. Whatever a million times in fancy letters. Well, technically I could but who wants to read that tripe! So here’s a thinly veiled attempt at posting something in the vein of my original mal-intent… enjoy!
It’s been a tumultuous couple decades to say the least. Too many proposals me thinks – there is (rather was) apparently something about me (or possibly in the water) back in my heyday that elicited premature andor unfounded marriage proposals. I accepted a handful. Four made it to the license bureau; only two of those made it to the alter. And those two didn’t really work out so I had to whack ‘em. (Just kidding – but I should have, really.) The last one is still hangin’ about but I wouldn’t lay odds on that ever coming to fruition… we’ve actually applied for a license twice in the last ten years but it never gets any further than that. So, In a nutshell I’ve had more than my fair share of the men folk. I’m done with that noise… they’re all your ladies – have at ‘em!
Four little monkeys jumping on the bed… wow! To think that I adamantly adhered to a no kids no marriage policy in my high school family planning class! I wasn’t going to have any kids, in fact, judging by the pile of SOF, Survival & Ninja magazines under my bed at age 16 the basic plan would have had me a top mercenary working for the likes of Blackwater by now! Oh how the worm has turned! Two teens and two toddlers! You might think there’s a sea-change between them but I can tell you that the number one complaint on both fronts is perceived lack of attention from Mommy! Certainly they act out or respond differently to that ‘problem’ but the solution is the same – Momma gots to give’m some lovin’! My near terrible-two twinnies would insist that an empty water cup in the night is paramount to tragedy and the teens are sure that Armageddon is upon us if we don’t have the latest, greatest, fill-in-the-blank. At the end of the crisis, whether I fill a water cup or a head with common sense; I find all my chitlins to be resourceful, resilient and a true delight to me. I love how they react to things at 2 or 14 or 17. They remind me constantly of the wonder of things. They make me remember that things really aren’t as complicated as ‘the man’ wants us to believe.
It certainly took a few reinventions of me which included long-distance moves, new jobs, going back to school (again and again), campaigning for the right – and the left, finding God, losing Him, and then finding Her again before I finally started to discover who I really am. I have to say that my giving up my good friends, Jack, Jim & Jose back in 2005 was a true turning point. Unencumbered by that fog I found that I am much more than just someone’s wifegirlfriend, more than just Mom or Sister or Aunt or Daughter – I am me. That quest of self-discovery is ongoing.
Recent history has wrought far too many losses. Things that make a person not only contemplate their own mortality but that make you step back and take a dim view on humanity. Your own humanity and place in this Earth but more so the inhumanity of others. It is all-at-once, eye-opening, heart-breaking, frightening, damning. It has the propensity to turn you into a recluse filled with paranoia and disgust for all things outside the realm of your control. Not great if you were already an introverted control-freak.
One thing I’m sure of at 38 is that I am still not a ‘grown-up’. What does that even mean? I have the mortgage payment and the 9 to 5 and some kids and a cat. I think I’m a socially responsible contributing member of society – does that make me an adult? I know children who’ve contributed more of themselves, more to society, than I. Who defines what this is? Or when? Seriously… I’d rather act my shoe size…
What I’m not sure of is exactly who I am. What’s my purpose on this crazy ride? I’m still working that out. I’m hopefully inspiring my kids to greatness on this grand adventure called life. With any luck I’ll get at least another 50 years to hatch my grand scheme… whatever that is!
Dang… you thought I was done ranting, eh?? But no, I couldn’t sleep and this is what came out the end of my pen in the middle of the night…
Watch out! ‘Cause here comes the cliché – Do you ever feel alone in a crowded room? I do. Sometimes I feel like the only conscious person in existence. (Not meant to be arrogant.) By conscious I mean to say that it seems that occasionally the incessant chatter and goings-ons around me are so mundane, materialistic, media-centric, rooted in the here and I-want-it-now type of machinations that I feel I just can’t relate. I wonder at times if others ever have the same kinds of thoughts that I have. Doesn’t anyone ever think there’s a marked lack of philosophy in the world at large? That democracy has abandoned diplomacy and reason for money? That fear-mongering media drivel pours from every glaring screen? That religion has gone extreme making it limiting, vulgar and violent instead of loving and joyful? Where is the open discourse leading to logical and fair conclusions? Does anyone consider our pecking order in terms of the Universe? Will Spaceship Earth soon be visited by our once benevolent overlords only so they can wipe the slate clean of their failed social experiment? Don’t know where I was going with this…
Then the random thoughts creep in….
Why do you need a license to hunt, fish, drive, marry but not to have kids?
Is the answer really 42? What was the question again?
May the keepers of the written word have mercy on my soul because I can’t read my own sleep-deprived, brain-addled scribbling’s – let the transcription be comprehensible not reprehensible… Amen.